Marriage

**John Scott** · 07-23-2006, 11:54 PM

I know I tend to kick the snot out of the idea of marriage every time it comes up, but I got a question and am seriously interested in input.

What do you do when you're married to somebody, and you wake up some day and realize that you're not attracted to your mate and haven't been attracted for to your mate for years?

**Cricket** · 07-24-2006, 12:13 AM

Do you mean physically attracted?

**John Scott** · 07-24-2006, 12:17 AM

I think it's hard to say "physically" or "mentally". If I'm attracted to somebody, it's usually both, no? I mean, both have to be there. You can't get mentally attracted to somebody you're not physically attracted to, can you? Dunno....

**Cricket** · 07-24-2006, 12:20 AM

Marriage it not for better or for worse, or until I am not attracted to you anymore. Sometimes you have to work to rekindle that initial attraction. Heck there are days (sometimes months) that you might not even like each other, but when you have a solid friendship and love as the foundation of a marriage, those things can be always be overcome.

Just my humble

**G10** · 07-24-2006, 12:47 AM

I agree with Cricket on that.

Ok, I am not married but I have been with the same gal for 14 years and we have had to work our way through a series of issues.

There will always be times when you look at the other person and think "what the hell am I doing with you?"

What really helps is if they are your best friend as well as your partner as this strengthens the relationship.

If there's good communication and understanding between two people, it isn't too difficult to sort most issues out.

**Cricket** · 07-24-2006, 12:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by G10

I agree with Cricket on that.

Ok, I am not married but I have been with the same gal for 14 years and we have had to work our way through a series of issues.

There will always be times when you look at the other person and think "what the hell am I doing with you?"

What really helps is if they are your best friend as well as your partner as this strengthens the relationship.

If there's good communication and understanding between two people, it isn't too difficult to sort most issues out.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to G10 again.

**John Scott** · 07-24-2006, 01:02 AM

The thing is... people change. This is my issue. People change.

I mean, would you marry somebody knowing that in 20 years they are going to be a totally different person?

**Cricket** · 07-24-2006, 01:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JohnScott

The thing is... people change. This is my issue. People change.

I mean, would you marry somebody knowing that in 20 years they are going to be a totally different person?

That's the whole better or worse part. Folks that are not willing to make that kind of commitment probably shouldn't make a decision to marry. I wonâ€™t kid you, sometimes marriage is hard work, but you learn to celebrate the changes you make both individually and as a couple, rather than dread the changes. Change is part of life as we grow and mature, but inside, who we are as a person, our character, that all tends to be pretty constant.

**G10** · 07-24-2006, 01:17 AM

I can see where you are comming from.

Thing is, I have known some of my friends for over 20 years, we have all changed over that time but we are still friends and I wouldn't change that one bit.

My relationship has changed a bit over the 14 years but we do have some say as to how it changes and how those changes affect us. I find that we have become stronger with time.

When I worked in IT, I remember people who used to get into work really early and leave late at night, all because they were having relationship problems and the easy solution was to just avoid the problem. Hell, if they'd put as much effort into their relationships as they had in their jobs, I am sure some of them would still be together.

If things didn't change, life would be boring, it's up to us on how we let the change affects us.

Zap · 07-24-2006, 06:15 AM

I agree, pretty much, with what has been said by the masters above me.

Change is a part of life, but people don't usually change so much that they become a different person, entirely. The same core values and personality will still be there. If you value your marriage, you adapt. If you don't, you move on, I guess.

Nobody stays exactly the same for 20 years. We all grow throughout our lives, but the important things don't usually change so much. If you value honesty, kindness, respect and integrity at 20 years of age, you're still likely to value those things at 40.

littleFella · 07-24-2006, 06:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JohnScott

I know I tend to kick the snot out of the idea of marriage every time it comes up, but I got a question and am seriously interested in input.

What do you do when you're married to somebody, and you wake up some day and realize that you're not attracted to your mate and haven't been attracted for to your mate for years?

The way I see it, there two options:

1. a divorce or separation
2. some time to perhaps realize what really counts in your life and to get back on track with that person

Brian · 07-24-2006, 07:10 AM

I'd rather be tarred and feathered...

Heather · 07-24-2006, 07:23 AM

Wow! Well put everyone!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think it's normal for people to develop new interests and pursue new goals and stuff; that kind of change is good....and it makes a person more interesting, imo. However, personality changes (when changing for the BAD) are something I couldn't tolerate. For me, mental attraction controls my sense of physical attraction. A guy could be physically gorgeous, but I would be oblivious to it if he had a bad personality.

Despite being together for almost 20 years, if my husband suddenly became an a$$hole....and he didn't change right back into a nice person, I could walk away from him and never look back. I wouldn't want him anymore....on any level. I have too much respect for myself....and I give too much of myself.....to be with someone who'd treat me like crap.

**South** · 07-24-2006, 10:01 AM

I had never dated a girl that could hold my interest for more than a few months (usually a few days) until I met my wife. We just passed the twelve year mark and I swear I'm attracted to her like we just met.

Quote:

I mean, would you marry somebody knowing that in 20 years they are going to be a totally different person?

I think the core of a person stays the same. It's just a matter of REALLY knowing them before commiting.

**John Scott** · 07-24-2006, 10:05 AM

I'm happy for you South, but that has to be the exception.

Atom · 07-24-2006, 10:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JohnScott

I know I tend to kick the snot out of the idea of marriage every time it comes up, but I got a question and am seriously interested in input.

What do you do when you're married to somebody, and you wake up some day and realize that you're not attracted to your mate and haven't been attracted for to your mate for years?

"This is not my beautiful house, this is not my beautiful wife!"

Life is really short.



**South** · 07-24-2006, 10:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JohnScott

I'm happy for you South, but that has to be the exception.

It is. Most of my friends are in their second and third marriages. My wife's best friend from school is in her 6th!

Trapper · 07-24-2006, 10:08 AM

Add me to the same exception as South.