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  #181  
Old 08-20-2008, 03:15 AM
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TeewhY TeewhY is offline
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A small plane was carrying three passengers over a mountain range -- an old man, his grandson, and an eminent scientist.

Suddenly, the pilot burst into the cabin, saying 'The engines have all failed! Grab a parachute and jump from the plane!' With this, the pilot opened the cabin door and leapt out with his parachute.

To their dismay, the 3 passengers discovered only 2 parachutes were left in the cabin!

The Eminent Scientist took a pack, saying 'I'm sorry you two, but I won a Nobel Prize, I am the head of several intellectual Think Tanks -- honestly, I'm worth more to society than either of you'. The Eminent Scientist leapt from the plane.

The Old Man turned to his grandson and said, 'My dear boy, take the last parachute. I've had a good life. Yours has just begun.'

'Don't worry, Grandpa' said the young boy, 'that guy just jumped out the plane with my backpack.'
 

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  #182  
Old 08-20-2008, 03:26 AM
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hehe serves the arrogant bastard right!
 
  #183  
Old 08-20-2008, 03:54 AM
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A young man tutored his sweetheart maths,
he thought of it as his mission,
he kissed her once then once again and said
"There, that's addition!"
She took it upon herself to return the pleasant action,
she kissed once and once again,
smiled and said "and that's subtraction!"
Now she'd learned the basics without too much complication,
they kissed each other once, then twice,
and said "that must be multiplication!"
Meanwhile the young lady's father
had this 'lesson' in his vision,
he kicked that boy ten foot out the door and said
"Then that is long division!"
 
  #184  
Old 08-20-2008, 11:52 AM
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A man walked into his wife’s bedroom carrying an aspirin and a glass of water.
"What’s that for?" his wife asked.
"Why, it’s for your headache," the husband answered.
"But I don’t have a headache."
"Good. Let’s f##k."
 
  #185  
Old 08-20-2008, 11:27 PM
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One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says “Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you…”

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.

Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says “Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!”

The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says “Surpise, its me the Hippie!”

The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says “Surprise, its me the bus driver!”
 
  #186  
Old 08-21-2008, 10:03 AM
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oh wow! got quite a few good laughs from this thread but the post above was eccentric! reminds me not to quickly trust a stranger.. LOL
 
  #187  
Old 08-21-2008, 10:53 PM
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An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant
wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Damn", says the ant, "one night
of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
 
  #188  
Old 08-24-2008, 08:23 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TeewhY View Post
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant
wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Damn", says the ant, "one night
of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
but at least she got huge taste of passion to remember for a life

made me laugh though
 
  #189  
Old 08-24-2008, 05:52 PM
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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
 
  #190  
Old 08-24-2008, 10:59 PM
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Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
 
  #191  
Old 08-25-2008, 10:43 AM
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Really bad joke to pull on people:
person A: What's up?
person B: It's a direction, the opposite of down.
person A: ... WTF?
 
  #192  
Old 08-25-2008, 04:51 PM
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A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, 'Well...I can clearly see your nuts.'
 
  #193  
Old 08-25-2008, 11:14 PM
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So yesterday I was traveling down the interstate to visit family and I needed to use the restroom really bad, so I stopped at a rest area. I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying “‘Hi, how are you?”

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don’t know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, “Doin’ just fine!” So the other guy says “So what are you up to?”

What kind of question is that? By this point, I’m thinking it’s pretty bizarre that a stranger expects to conversate while taking a dump so I reply “Uhhh I’m probably like you, just traveling?” At this point I’m wanting to get the hell outta there as fast as I can when dude asks another question… “‘Can I come over?”

Ok, this question is just too weird for me. Like, WTF! But I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
“Nah man, I’m a little busy right now!”

Right then, dead silence… then I hear the person say (kinda nervously) “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.”
 
  #194  
Old 08-26-2008, 03:37 AM
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Giving your cat a pill

INSTRUCTIONS ON GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth rub throat of cat to encourage swallowing.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call wife from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get wife to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get wife to lie on cat with its head just visible from below wife's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to wife's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's garden shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a glass of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get wife to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for session with Psychiatrist for even daring to think about giving your cat a pill!
 
  #195  
Old 08-27-2008, 12:01 PM
_christina_ _christina_ is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TeewhY View Post
So yesterday I was traveling down the interstate to visit family and I needed to use the restroom really bad, so I stopped at a rest area. I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying “‘Hi, how are you?”........
LOL.. that's pretty funny.. and embarrassing as well.. i should be able to share mine next time..hehe..good one
 
  #196  
Old 08-27-2008, 11:16 PM
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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman's husband unexpectedly comes home.

She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy is in there already.
The little Boy says: "Dark in here."
The Man says: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!"
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£250-00."

A few weeks later it happened again and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard together again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have soccer boots."
The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: "How much?"
The Boy says:"£750-00."
The Man says: "Fine, I will buy them."
few days later, the Father says to the boy:
"Grab your ball and boots, let's go outside and have a game."
The Boy says: "I can't, I sold them for £1000."
The Father says:
"That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...
£1000 is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your sins."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession
booth and he closes the door.

The Boy says: "Dark in here."
The Priest says: "Don't start that sh!t again!"
 
  #197  
Old 08-28-2008, 03:45 AM
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A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
 
  #198  
Old 08-28-2008, 07:36 AM
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excuse the language, I ripped it from a blog comment:

"What do you do when a bird ****s in your mouth? Don’t ask her out on another date!"

one of the feel dirty for laughing jokes
 
  #199  
Old 08-28-2008, 05:07 PM
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whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a cadillac?


....



i don't have a cadillac in my garage
 
  #200  
Old 08-28-2008, 05:07 PM
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okay sorry if these are off color but i just thought of one more


why did the baby cross the road?












because he was stapled to the chicken
 
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