jokes

[TheFriend]

I thought about having a jokes-thread.
You can post the best jokes in here.

I will start:

http://www.steinhaus-net.de/witze/witzenav.html
http://www.steinhaus-net.de/witze/jokesenglish.html

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's
drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs
some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and
eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it
in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in
sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry
on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he
asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate
it!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats
everything in sight,
but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

soure: http://www.steinhaus-net.de/witze/monkey.txt

[D3n!ss3_gÜrL]

geezz.. that quite nasty TheFriend! but still funny!

[TheFriend]

Originally Posted by D3n!ss3_gÜrL

geezz.. that quite nasty TheFriend! but still funny!

Yes, i know!

[ezhel]

I hope you'll like this:
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

[astrovineet]

Once a smart Sales Executive and His Manager were traveling towards Ooty in a train.

Just Opposite to their seat, a beautiful girl was sitting along with her grand ma.

With in some time, Eye-Eye interactions started between Our S/W engineer & that girl.

After some minutes, train started moving in to a tunnel and it was very dark.


Suddenly, every body heard a Kiss sound followed by a sound of slapping.

Every body remained silent, when the train came out of the tunnel.

Grand ma thought that," The Guy is a rogue; how dare he is?

He has kissed my grand daughter! But my Grand daughter is genuine;

she immediately slapped that guy."


Manager thought that,

"I can't believe that this guy has kissed that girl!

But it is unfair that she slapped me by mistake"

That girl thought that,"I feel happy, when that guy kissed me,

but I feel sorry that my grand ma has slapped him".

Finally, do u know what our clever Sales Executive thought?


"This one minute in my life is wonderful, It hardly comes...because,

at a time I have kissed a girl and also I have slapped my Boss."


ThanX & Regds'


Viineet Jain

[astrovineet]

A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone.

After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her,

"Er... Excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"

She responds in a loud voice :

" NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them.

The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.

After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes,

and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and

I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

The young man responds loudly with,

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND RUPEES. THATS TOO MUCH !"

[Prize4u]

Originally Posted by astrovineet

A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone.

After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her,

"Er... Excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"

She responds in a loud voice :

" NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them.

The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.

After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes,

and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and

I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

The young man responds loudly with,

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND RUPEES. THATS TOO MUCH !"

hehehehehehehe

that's excellent

[AngelEyez]

Originally Posted by astrovineet

A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone.

After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her,

"Er... Excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"

She responds in a loud voice :

" NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them.

The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.

After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes,

and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and

I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

The young man responds loudly with,

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND RUPEES. THATS TOO MUCH !"

hahaha, that was truly hilarious

[TheFriend]

ethel: Cool one! *ROFL*

astroineet: Nice! hahaha!

Really great ones people, i like them.

[Karooki]

That's funny!

[info4beingrich]

ha ha ha.. nice one..

[ezhel]

ok let's try this one:


So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"
"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"
"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket.
The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"
"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey.
"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"
With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"
"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a wanker..."

[Cryxellis]

Originally Posted by TheFriend

I thought about having a jokes-thread.
You can post the best jokes in here.

I will start:

http://www.steinhaus-net.de/witze/witzenav.html
http://www.steinhaus-net.de/witze/jokesenglish.html

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's
drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs
some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and
eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it
in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in
sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry
on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he
asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate
it!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats
everything in sight,
but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

soure: http://www.steinhaus-net.de/witze/monkey.txt

Ewwww that was disgusting but funny hahaha
and everyone's post are funny thanks for sharing
it made my day

[TheFriend]

Originally Posted by Cryxellis

Ewwww that was disgusting but funny hahaha
and everyone's post are funny thanks for sharing
it made my day

Hoped it would be funny.

Thx for everyone who posted some jokes in here atm.

Really funny ones.

[Kryvast]

Advertising Tips

Many women don't understand Marketing. Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, I'm fantastic in bed. That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you says, She's fantastic in bed. That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, Hi, I'm fantastic in bed. That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, May I, and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, By the way, I'm fantastic in bed. That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed. That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him, so he calls you. That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, I'm fantastic in bed! That's Spam.

source: http://www.talisman.org/~erlkonig/hu...sex-tips.shtml

[asavantage]

If its a women shouting, I think it would be more like a dream in heaven. If its a man shouting, I would agree with the spam - to many doing that

[TheFriend]

*lol* Nice, veseven!

[TheFriend]

http://www.howstuffworks.com/funny-stories.htm

[ezhel]

One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definately in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her.
She said, "The sky is definately blue!"
"I'm sorry Suzy thats wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else?"
Timmy raised his hand and said, "The grass is definately green."
"I'm sorry Timmy that's not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher do farts have lumps?"
The teacher says, "no why?"
Johnny says, "Then I definately **** my pants!"

[Kryvast]

Originally Posted by ezhel

One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definately in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her.
She said, "The sky is definately blue!"
"I'm sorry Suzy thats wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else?"
Timmy raised his hand and said, "The grass is definately green."
"I'm sorry Timmy that's not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher do farts have lumps?"
The teacher says, "no why?"
Johnny says, "Then I definately **** my pants!"

Should it be definitely? or I just don't get it that was the joke? right? ha?