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  #61  
Old 07-02-2008, 11:56 PM
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zeruel zeruel is offline
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wahahah! that little Johnny must have been laughing out loud... lol
 

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  #62  
Old 07-03-2008, 09:39 AM
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It depends on how many people are involved in the surgery, how long it lasts, and how long the hospital stay is.
 
  #63  
Old 07-03-2008, 10:51 AM
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DIY brain surgery costs nothing and helps humanity. Please try it whenever there is a need.
 
  #64  
Old 07-03-2008, 11:20 AM
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One more

Little Johnny was at the breakfast table with his parents one day and his mother asked him why he looked so tired as he had an apparent look of sleep deprivation. He exclaimed "I haven't gotten any sleep for the past week because you and daddy are always making so much noise! Then when I walk in the room, you're there bouncing up and down on his belly! What are you guys DOING and why?!"
His mother embarrassed replied, " You see honey, daddy's really fat, so mommy has to bounce up and down on his belly each night to squeeze all the air out of him."

Johnny says, "Well that won't work mommy."

mom " Why not johnny?"

Johnny " Well because every time you leave for work in the morning the neighbor lady just comes over and blows him back up."
 
  #65  
Old 07-03-2008, 12:23 PM
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The priest and the hairdryer!!

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
 
  #66  
Old 07-03-2008, 02:02 PM
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Witness..

An 87 year old woman was called to the stand during a huge murder trial as a witness. The prosecuting attorney approaches her and says, "Mrs. Williams, do you know me?"

"Why yes, Mr. Jones. I know you. I've known you since you were a little boy and frankly, I never thought you'd amount to anything, much less a prosecuting attorney. You've been to juvenile detention centers at least three times, from what I remember. You stole a car when you were twenty. You've been to drug rehab twice and you have four babies with four different mothers".

Taken aback, the prosecuting attorney says, "And... Do you know Mr. Smith here, the defense attorney?"

"Why yes. I know Mr. Smith. He's an alcoholic, who fell off the wagon. He's accepted bribes when he was running for office and he's cheated on his wife four times and one of them was with your wife, Mr. Jones".

The judge called both attorneys to the bench. When they approached the bench, the Judge said, "if either of you two idiots asks her if she knows me, you're both going to the electric chair!"
 
  #67  
Old 07-03-2008, 03:06 PM
krahmaan krahmaan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jabo View Post
How much does a brain surgery cost?
I'd say that with all the malpractice going on and the sales of body parts on the underground black market, the procedure should be free.
 
  #68  
Old 07-03-2008, 03:28 PM
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G10 G10 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StrongInTheArm View Post
DIY brain surgery costs nothing and helps humanity. Please try it whenever there is a need.
Ok, I have known you for a while dude and for the first time I am actually scared of you..
 
  #69  
Old 07-03-2008, 03:35 PM
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lol!

Ok, that actually made me laugh

*greened*
 
  #70  
Old 07-03-2008, 06:25 PM
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lol very funny. I have always heard the joke in reverse.
 
  #71  
Old 07-03-2008, 06:57 PM
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...practice on some head cheese first...
 
  #72  
Old 07-03-2008, 11:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by G10 View Post
Ok, I have known you for a while dude and for the first time I am actually scared of you..
Must have been watching too much of Grey's Anatomy...
 
  #73  
Old 07-03-2008, 11:29 PM
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LOL verry funny
 
  #74  
Old 07-03-2008, 11:46 PM
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well, he didn't lied... funny priest..
 
  #75  
Old 07-04-2008, 12:26 AM
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that was funny haha
 
  #76  
Old 07-04-2008, 11:27 AM
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Angry Finally....Man Rules

The Man Rules*******************
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good. Take it in the spirit it is given. Pure fun)
We always hear " the rules "
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports: It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something. Or tell us how you want it done.Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials...

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball...or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping
 
  #77  
Old 07-05-2008, 05:38 AM
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StarLab StarLab is offline
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Spanish Class

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each
group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited
a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.
 
  #78  
Old 07-05-2008, 10:37 PM
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lajocar lajocar is offline
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Your Daddy must have been a Baker, cos you got the nicest set of buns I've ever saw.

You are like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.
 
  #79  
Old 07-06-2008, 07:27 AM
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50 Dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, ‘Esther,I’d like to ride in that helicopter.’

Esther always replied, ‘I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars’

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, ‘Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’

To this, Esther replied, ‘Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’

The pilot overheard the couple and said, ‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you! But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.’

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot put the craft through all kinds of maneuvers, but not a word was heard. Up, down, back and forth, even sideways, he did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, ‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’

Morris replied, ‘Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!’
 
  #80  
Old 07-06-2008, 09:13 AM
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arpitagarwal82 arpitagarwal82 is offline
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One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it’s OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT’S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".
 
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