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  #101  
Old 07-16-2008, 09:17 AM
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wicca wicca is offline
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Whahahah...made me laugh..
 

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  #102  
Old 07-16-2008, 09:27 AM
SEO_mike SEO_mike is offline
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ha ha lol lot of good jokes .... its realy fun.. enjoyyyyyyyyyyyyy
 
  #103  
Old 07-17-2008, 04:01 AM
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TRAGEDY - JOHN HOWARD


Prime Minister John Howard was visiting a primary school and he
visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a
discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked
the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the
word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an
example of a "tragedy".


One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who
lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over
him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'". "No," said Howard,
that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a
school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing
everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."


I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That's what we
would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other children
volunteered. John searched the room. "Isn't there someone here
who can give me an example of tragedy?"


Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his
hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you
and Mrs Howard was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown
to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.


Fantastic!" exclaimed John Howard. "That's right. And can you
tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy "It
has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great
loss and it probably wouldn't be a fu**ing accident either."
 
  #104  
Old 07-17-2008, 05:19 AM
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fascinatingAngel fascinatingAngel is offline
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Lol... I can't keep myself from laughing.
 
  #105  
Old 07-17-2008, 06:00 AM
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Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up
their tent and are asleep.
Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend.


"Robin ,look up at the sky and tell me what you see".

Robin replies,

"I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks Batman.


Robin ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful
and we are small And insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Batman?"

Batman is silent for a moment, then speaks:


"Robin, you f**ing idiot ,someone has stolen our tent"
 
  #106  
Old 07-18-2008, 03:52 AM
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great 'superhero' joke..
do you know any superman or spiderman joke?
 
  #107  
Old 07-18-2008, 04:15 AM
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Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for cancelling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirad listing every problem they had ever had in 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglegt, lack of intamicy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Mark watched with a raised eyebrow.

Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to Mark and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you assist her?'

Mark thought for a moment and replied, Well I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I play golf.


aira-I would look for them
 
  #108  
Old 07-18-2008, 04:20 AM
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Chuck Norris part 1

1. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
2. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
3. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
4. Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
5. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
6. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
7. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
8. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
9. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
10. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
11. Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
12. Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
13. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
14. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
15. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
16. Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
17. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
18. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
19. Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
20. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
21. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
22. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
23. Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
24. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
25. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
26. Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
27. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
28. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
29. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
30. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
31. Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
32. CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
33. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
34. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
35. What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
36. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
37. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
38. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
39. Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
40. A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
41. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
42. Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.
43. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
44. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
45. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
46. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
47. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
48. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
49. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
50. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
51. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
52. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
53. Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
54. Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
55. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
56. Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
57. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
58. Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
59. Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
60. The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
61. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
62. According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
63. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
64. Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
65. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
66. There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
67. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
68. Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
69. Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
70. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
71. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
72. There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
73. When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
74. Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
75. A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
76. When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
77. Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
78. Chuck Norris' house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
79. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
80. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
81. Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
82. In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
83. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
84. If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
85. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
86. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
87. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
88. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
89. Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
90. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
91. While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
92. Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
93. When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
94. When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
95. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
96. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
97. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
98. For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
99. Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
100. When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
 
  #109  
Old 07-18-2008, 05:19 AM
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Quote:
56. Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
LOL!
 
  #110  
Old 07-18-2008, 05:29 AM
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Kryvast Kryvast is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aira View Post
great 'superhero' joke..
do you know any superman or spiderman joke?
SUPERMAN



Superman was terribly bored with fighting crime, so one Friday night he decided to go out on the town to have some fun for a change.

He dropped by Batman's house. "Hey Batman," he said. "Wanna' go out tonight?"

"No, I can't," replied Batman. "The Batmobile is broken and I gotta' stay home and fix it, or else I won't be able to fight crime."

"You loser," said Superman, and he flew away in disgust.

He then decided to stop by Spiderman's house. "Hey, Spidey, how about hitting the town tonight, you and me," he said.

"I'd love to, but I can't," replied Spiderman. "My web-slinger is jammed and I gotta fix it in order to fight crime."

Superman, all disgusted, quipped: "You loser. Go ahead--stay home on a Friday night and fix your damned web-slinger."

He again flew away.

While flying around the city looking for something to do, his super vision spotted Wonder Woman lying on her back, stark naked and spread-eagle!

Superman thought, "Hey, I'm Superman, so I can fly down there at the speed of light, have a quickie and she'll never know the difference!"

Wonder Woman said, "What the hell was that?"

The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but it hurt like hell!"
 
  #111  
Old 07-18-2008, 05:41 AM
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jabo jabo is offline
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  #112  
Old 07-19-2008, 05:59 AM
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StarLab StarLab is offline
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Welfare

He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi.

You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent!

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to ****** the daughter on her overseas holiday tripsand you will have to satisfy her every need.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, said, 'You got to be lying!!!'

The social worker said, 'Yeah, well... you started it.'
 
  #113  
Old 07-19-2008, 06:03 AM
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StarLab StarLab is offline
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Installing husband

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,

such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.

================================================== =============================

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!

Tech Support
 
  #114  
Old 07-19-2008, 06:28 AM
SEO_Matey SEO_Matey is offline
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Nice one man, same to you jabo, good jokes guys.
 
  #115  
Old 07-19-2008, 12:39 PM
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arpitagarwal82 arpitagarwal82 is offline
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Lol Starlab.
Husband 1.0 is just awesome joke.
 
  #116  
Old 07-21-2008, 02:29 AM
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Some things to ponder....

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

7. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

21. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "S" in it?

30. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

31. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an asian man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
 
  #117  
Old 07-21-2008, 04:54 AM
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Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4 am by the telephone.

'Hillen, itís the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency!

I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated the the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week!!!'

PM: 'Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!'

Hilth Munister: 'We're going to hef to shup some in from... Brutain?...'

PM: 'No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!'

Hilth Munister: 'What about Australia?'

PM: 'I'll call Kivun Rudd - tell hum we need one million condoms; ten unches long and eight unches thuck! That way they'll continue to respect the All Blacks!!'

Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes where she finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuc, all coloured green and gold.

Each marked...

'MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: SMALL'
Reply With Quote
 
  #118  
Old 07-22-2008, 02:55 AM
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Blind Salesman

A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked, there's a knock at the door. The nun calls, "Who is it?"

A voice answers, "A blind salesman."

The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in the room while she's naked so she lets him in. The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says, "Uhhhh, well hello there, can I sell you a blind, dearie...?"
 
  #119  
Old 07-22-2008, 04:03 AM
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Chuck Norris Part2

101. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
102. When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
103. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
104. On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
105. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
106. Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
107. In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
108. Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
109. Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
110. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
111. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
112. Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
113. If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
114. Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
115. Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
116. Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
117. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
118. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
119. You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
120. Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
121. The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
122. There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
123. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
124. When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
125. Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
126. James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
127. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
128. Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
129. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
130. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
131. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
132. Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
133. Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
134. Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
135. A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
136. Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
137. There is in fact an "I" in Norris, but there is no "team"Ö not even close.
138. Scotty in Star Trek often says "Ye cannae change the laws of physics." This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
139. An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.
140. Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
141. Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.
142. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.
143. Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
144. Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.
145. Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
146. Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
147. The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron's ass halfway through the first chapter.
148. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
149. Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
150. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
151. Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
152. The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
153. Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.
154. The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.
155. Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
156. Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
157. Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
158. The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.
159. Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.
160. Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.
161. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
162. It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.
163. Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
164. Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
165. Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.
166. Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
167. Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
168. Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.
169. The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
170. Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.
171. As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
172. Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.
173. Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.
174. Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"
175. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
176. Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.
177. 'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
178. Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.
179. When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
180. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
181. Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
182. In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
183. Chuck Norris' favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.
184. When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
185. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
186. In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
187. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
188. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
189. If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
190. Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."
191. Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.
192. MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
193. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
194. What's known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn't use its full name, which happens to be "Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division".
195. Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
196. The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.
197. There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
198. Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.
199. The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
200. Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
 
  #120  
Old 07-22-2008, 03:45 PM
arpitagarwal82's Avatar
arpitagarwal82 arpitagarwal82 is offline
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Got this from another forum:


It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrasekhar Subramaniam entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History

Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

Very good.....she said

Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.

"Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrasekhar

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F*ck the Indians,"
"Who said that?" she demanded. Candrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks "All right.... Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,

"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said "You little Sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted...........

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh*t, we're f**ked!" and..........

Chandrasekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005.......
 
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