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  #121  
Old 07-23-2008, 03:47 AM
aira aira is offline
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^ such a bright kid - and annoying sometimes


LOL at Superman JOke

Last edited by aira; 07-23-2008 at 03:50 AM.
 

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  #122  
Old 07-23-2008, 05:40 PM
enigma1805 enigma1805 is offline
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Realizing he was lost, a balloonist dropped down to ask directions.
"Excuse me, but I'm a little off course," he shouted. "I promised to meet a friend an hour ago, and I don't know where I am."
A woman hollered back: "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're at exactly 40 degrees, 22 minutes, and 21 seconds North latitude, and 70 degrees, 30 minutes, and 33 seconds West longitude."
"Amazing," the balloonist replied. "You must be an engineer!"
"I am," she replied. "But how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technicallly correct, but I can't use your information. I'm still lost and you haven't been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman thought for a moment, and then replied: "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know that?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to your position due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems."
"In fact," she said, "you're in exactly the same position you were before we met, but somehow it's now my fault."
 
  #123  
Old 07-23-2008, 11:05 PM
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FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO HAVE A HAPPY LIFE:

1 It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh...

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It 's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
 
  #124  
Old 07-25-2008, 05:42 AM
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Great pictures


 
  #125  
Old 07-25-2008, 06:04 AM
theultimate1 theultimate1 is offline
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haha lol...
 
  #126  
Old 07-25-2008, 09:26 AM
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StarLab StarLab is offline
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Personal Ads Translator

PERSONAL AD TRANSLATOR

Women's Ads:

Actual Ad: 40ish. (Translation: 4
Actual Ad: Adventurer. (Translation: Has had more partners than you ever will.)
Actual Ad: Athletic. (Translation: Flat-chested.)
Actual Ad: Average-looking. (Translation: Ugly.)
Actual Ad: Beautiful. (Translation: Pathological liar.)
Actual Ad: Contagious Smile. (Translation: Bring your penicillin.)
Actual Ad: Educated. (Translation: College dropout. )
Actual Ad: Emotionally Secure. (Translation: Medicated.)
Actual Ad: Feminist. (Translation: Fat; ball-buster.)
Actual Ad: Free Spirit. (Translation: Substance user.)
Actual Ad: Friendship First. (Translation: Trying to live down reputation as a sl*t.)
Actual Ad: Fun. (Translation: Annoying.)
Actual Ad: New-Age. (Translation: All body hair, all the time.)
Actual Ad: Old-Fashioned. (Translation: Lights out, missionary position only.)
Actual Ad: Open-Minded. (Translation: Desperate.)
Actual Ad: Outgoing. (Translation: Loud.)
Actual Ad: Passionate. (Translation: Loud.)
Actual Ad: Poet. (Translation: Depressive schizophrenic.)
Actual Ad: Professional. (Translation: Real witch.)
Actual Ad: Redhead. (Translation: Shops the Clairol section.)
Actual Ad: Rubenesque. (Translation: Grossly fat.)
Actual Ad: Romantic. (Translation: Looks better by candlelight.)
Actual Ad: Voluptuous. (Translation: Very fat.)
Actual Ad: Weight Proportional To Height. (Translation: Extremely fat.)
Actual Ad: Wants Soul Mate. (Translation: One step away from stalking.)
Actual Ad: Widow. (Translation: Nagged first husband to death.)
Actual Ad: Young At Heart. (Translation: Toothless geezer.)
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Men's Ads:

Actual Ad: 40-ish. (Translation: 52 and looking for a 25-yr-old.)
Actual Ad: Affectionate. (Translation: Horny.)
Actual Ad: Assertive. (Translation: Pushy with a mean streak.)
Actual Ad: Athletic. (Translation: Sits on the couch and watches ESPN.)
Actual Ad: Average looking. (Translation: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back.)
Actual Ad: Excited About Lifeג€™s Journey. (Translation: No concept of reality.)
Actual Ad: Financially secure. (Translation: Has a job.)
Actual Ad: Friendship first. (Translation: As long as friendship involves nudity.)
Actual Ad: Freedom loving. (Translation: Undependable.)
Actual Ad: Fun. (Translation: Good with a remote and a six pack.)
Actual Ad: High-Spirited. (Translation: Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things.)
Actual Ad: Honest. (Translation: Pathological liar.)
Actual Ad: Humorous. (Translation: Watches too much TV and never shuts up.)
Actual Ad: Likes to cuddle. (Translation: Insecure, overly dependent.)
Actual Ad: Mature. (Translation: Until you get to know him.)
Actual Ad: Open-minded. (Translation: Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested.)
Actual Ad: Passionate. (Translation: Really horny.)
Actual Ad: Physically fit. (Translation: I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself.)
Actual Ad: Poet. (Translation: Has written on a bathroom stall.)
Actual Ad: Romantic. (Translation: Very horny.)
Actual Ad: Spiritual. (Translation: Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday.)
Actual Ad: Stable. (Translation: Occasional stalker, but never arrested.)
Actual Ad: Thoughtful. (Translation: Says "Please" when demanding a beer.)
Actual Ad: Unpredictable. (Translation: Manic-depressive and off medication.)
Actual Ad: Very Human. (Translation: Quasimodo.)
Actual Ad: Wants soul mate. (Translation: Stalker.)
Actual Ad: Young at Heart. (Translation: Over 50.)
Actual Ad: Youthful. (Translation: Over 50 and in major denial.)
 
  #127  
Old 07-26-2008, 04:27 AM
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Lipstick in School

A certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers .. and then there are educators
 
  #128  
Old 07-27-2008, 06:42 AM
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Airplane Conversation

A stranger is seated next to a little girl on the airplane. The stranger turns to her and says, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. The deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

The little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?
 
  #129  
Old 07-28-2008, 05:37 AM
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A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first.'

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back............................................
.
.



.



'Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie'
 
  #130  
Old 07-29-2008, 05:21 AM
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George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you.
As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their
place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.' commented George.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said 'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'
 
  #131  
Old 07-30-2008, 06:23 AM
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Chuck Norris Part 4

201. The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
202. Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.
203. Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.
204. When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.
205. On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
206. Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.
207. Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
208. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
209. It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
210. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
211. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
212. Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
213. That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.
214. Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
215. Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
216. Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.
217. Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
218. As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
219. Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.
220. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
221. Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
222. Chuck Norris invented the internet… just so he had a place to store his porn.
223. Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
224. It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
225. Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.
226. Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
227. Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.
228. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
229. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
230. "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
231. When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."
232. Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
233. One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive ********. There were no survivors.
234. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
235. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
236. Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
237. Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
238. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
239. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
240. Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.
241. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
242. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
243. Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
244. Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
245. Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.
246. If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.
247. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
248. Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
249. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
250. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
251. Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
252. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
253. Chuck Norris' sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.
254. Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
255. Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.
256. Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.
257. The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!
258. For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.
259. Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.
260. Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
261. Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.
262. Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.
263. Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
264. How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.
265. The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.
266. When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
267. If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.
268. Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.
269. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.
270. Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.
271. The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.
272. Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement".
273. The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
274. Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
275. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
276. He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.
277. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
278. The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
279. Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.
280. Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.
281. Chuck Norris can taste lies.
282. Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
283. One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
284. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
285. In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.
286. Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
287. They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.
288. Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
289. Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.
290. When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been raped.
291. 4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.
292. Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
293. The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.
294. Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
295. With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
296. The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
297. chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.
298. To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
299. Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?
300. There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.
 
  #132  
Old 07-30-2008, 03:47 PM
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G10 G10 is offline
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ok, here's my attempt.....


Q: How do you kill a circus?

A: Go for the juggler!!

Ok, I'll get me coat...
 
  #133  
Old 07-30-2008, 05:03 PM
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StarLab StarLab is offline
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high
school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady
swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked,'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'
 
  #134  
Old 07-31-2008, 12:25 AM
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I found this joke scrawled on a large rock at the beach recently.

Why are pirates called pirates?

Cos they ARAGGHHh!
 
  #135  
Old 07-31-2008, 06:30 AM
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A grandfather (GF) goes into a pharmacy

GF: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
GF: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!

**
A young man goes into a pharmacy

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist
"Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom and the young man leaves.
He soon returns and says,
"Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute
too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says,
"Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still
pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, think she is expecting me to make a move!
-
-
-




During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him.


When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying,
"Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us."


A minute later the boy is still praying;
"Thank you Lord for your kindness."


Ten minutes go by and the boy is still
praying, keeping his head down.




The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others.
She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."





The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad is the pharmacist!

 
  #136  
Old 08-02-2008, 09:44 AM
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lol
 
  #137  
Old 08-03-2008, 06:16 PM
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  #138  
Old 08-03-2008, 11:19 PM
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jabo jabo is offline
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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can See she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her....... He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'
 
  #139  
Old 08-06-2008, 05:10 AM
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jabo jabo is offline
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.'
 
  #140  
Old 08-06-2008, 08:25 AM
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wicca wicca is offline
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whahahah..Nice one ~_^
 
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