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  #161  
Old 08-13-2008, 06:01 AM
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Dina312 Dina312 is offline
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Wink

Quote:
Originally Posted by StrongInTheArm View Post
It sums it all up for me:



From xkcd: A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language. A funny man
Huh? funny. would love to wear it.
 

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  #162  
Old 08-14-2008, 01:41 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StrongInTheArm View Post
It sums it all up for me:



From xkcd: A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language. A funny man
heehehe.. LOL..
 
  #163  
Old 08-14-2008, 01:59 AM
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Guy1: Hey dude, my girlfriend just break me up and she send me pictures of her new boyfriend and her in a Motel.

Guy2: Oh? so what did you do?

Guy1: HA! I send the pictures of them to her father, then that's it she's in a big trouble dude.
 
  #164  
Old 08-14-2008, 03:03 AM
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arpitagarwal82 arpitagarwal82 is offline
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One day little Johnny was playing with his toy train and it was going round and round when he stoped it he said, "all you sons of bitches getting on get on, and all you sons of bitches gettin off get off."
His mother comes in and says, "What did you say young man? Go to your room and think about what you said."
So after 4 hours his mother comes and says, "Come eat some supper and then you can play with your train again."
After supper little Johnny goes back to his train and says, "all you sons of bitches getting on get on, and all you sons of bitches gettin off get off, and all you sons of bitches pissed off about the delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen!"
 
  #165  
Old 08-14-2008, 03:10 AM
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arpitagarwal82 arpitagarwal82 is offline
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A new teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed, she drops the eraser when she turns around, so she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out belly laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."
 
  #166  
Old 08-15-2008, 02:29 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by arpitagarwal82 View Post
One day little Johnny was playing with his toy train and it was going round and round when he stoped it he said, "all you sons of bitches getting on get on, and all you sons of bitches gettin off get off."
His mother comes in and says, "What did you say young man? Go to your room and think about what you said."
So after 4 hours his mother comes and says, "Come eat some supper and then you can play with your train again."
After supper little Johnny goes back to his train and says, "all you sons of bitches getting on get on, and all you sons of bitches gettin off get off, and all you sons of bitches pissed off about the delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen!"
Johnny, be good!




 
  #167  
Old 08-15-2008, 05:40 AM
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here are a couple a couple are oldies but still good for a laugh facesjump.gif

Yo mama's so stupid, I told her it was chili outside so she went outside with a spoon.

Yo mama's so stupid she stares at an orange juice carton every morning for an hour cause it says "concentrate"

Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.

Yo momma's so dumb her friend asked her to go buy a color TV and she asked "What color?"

Yo mama's so stupid she took a spoon to the super bowl

Yo mama's so stupid, I told her it was chili outside so she went outside with a spoon.

Yo mamma's so stupid she talked into a mailbox and when the postman came and asked her what she was doing and she said she was sending a voicemail.

Yo mama's so hairy, long haired hippies worship her.

Yo' mama's so ugly she entered an ugly contest and they said 'sorry no professionals'

Yo mama's so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology letter from the condom factory.
 
  #168  
Old 08-15-2008, 05:59 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jabo View Post
here are a couple a couple are oldies but still good for a laugh facesjump.gif

Yo mama's so stupid, I told her it was chili outside so she went outside with a spoon.

Yo momma's so dumb her friend asked her to go buy a color TV and she asked "What color?"

Yo mama's so stupid she took a spoon to the super bowl

Yo mamma's so stupid she talked into a mailbox and when the postman came and asked her what she was doing and she said she was sending a voicemail.
I lol'd
 
  #169  
Old 08-15-2008, 10:13 PM
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hahaha ezhel's teacher joke is really funny.
 
  #170  
Old 08-16-2008, 05:34 AM
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Made in Japan

A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Chicago and asked to be taken out to O'Hare Airport. On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded, "Ohhh!!! TOYOTA!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

Not too long after, another car flew by the taxi. "Ohh!!! NISSAN!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

Yet another zipped by, "Ohh!!! Mitsubishi!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

The taxi driver, complete 100% American, was starting to get a little miffed that the Japanese-made cars were passing his Chevy, when yet another car passed the taxi right as they were turning into the airport.

"Ohh!!! Honda!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and said, "That'll be $150."

"150 dollar? But was such short ride ... why so much?"

"Taxi Meter. Made in Japan. Very fast."
 
  #171  
Old 08-16-2008, 10:34 AM
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An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No,' he replies, 'I have this latest, state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'

The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?






A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the ten million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and s says "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
 
  #172  
Old 08-16-2008, 10:37 AM
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haha funny joke linda
 
  #173  
Old 08-17-2008, 11:06 PM
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Thats Funny.. LOL... give me some more....
 
  #174  
Old 08-17-2008, 11:25 PM
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A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission
in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he
realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to
be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike!"
 
  #175  
Old 08-18-2008, 05:45 AM
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Smile High priced Valerie

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked. 'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'

The man replied, 'Ontario'.

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario.'

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
 
  #176  
Old 08-18-2008, 11:28 PM
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The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?', Ole demanded. 'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.' The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not? She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.' Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money at be able at affarrd any.' The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit.'
 
  #177  
Old 08-19-2008, 03:22 AM
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eww that's horrible
 
  #178  
Old 08-19-2008, 03:57 AM
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"<Royall> "We have been trying to eliminate the penny for quite some time -- it always comes back," Obama said. "I need to find out who is lobbying to keep the penny."
<theonetruemango> but I thought Obama loved change"

copied this from somewhere, obviously it's not hilarious but it still classes as a joke
 
  #179  
Old 08-19-2008, 04:59 PM
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A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'
 
  #180  
Old 08-20-2008, 12:21 AM
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A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: 'So,Murphy, how was your day?'

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''

'Thunderin' lord Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes.'
 
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