jokes

[jamilla_0001]

Whahahah...made me laugh..

[SEO_mike]

ha ha lol lot of good jokes .... its realy fun.. enjoyyyyyyyyyyyyy

[jabo]

TRAGEDY - JOHN HOWARD


Prime Minister John Howard was visiting a primary school and he
visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a
discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked
the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the
word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an
example of a "tragedy".


One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who
lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over
him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'". "No," said Howard,
that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a
school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing
everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."


I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That's what we
would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other children
volunteered. John searched the room. "Isn't there someone here
who can give me an example of tragedy?"


Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his
hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you
and Mrs Howard was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown
to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.


Fantastic!" exclaimed John Howard. "That's right. And can you
tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy "It
has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great
loss and it probably wouldn't be a fu**ing accident either."

[fascinatingAngel]

Lol... I can't keep myself from laughing.

[jabo]

Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up
their tent and are asleep.
Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend.


"Robin ,look up at the sky and tell me what you see".

Robin replies,

"I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks Batman.


Robin ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful
and we are small And insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Batman?"

Batman is silent for a moment, then speaks:


"Robin, you f**ing idiot ,someone has stolen our tent"

[aira]

great 'superhero' joke..
do you know any superman or spiderman joke?

[jabo]

Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for cancelling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirad listing every problem they had ever had in 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglegt, lack of intamicy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Mark watched with a raised eyebrow.

Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to Mark and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you assist her?'

Mark thought for a moment and replied, Well I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I play golf.


aira-I would look for them

[jabo]

1. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
2. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
3. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
4. Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
5. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
6. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
7. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
8. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
9. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
10. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
11. Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
12. Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
13. There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
14. Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
15. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
16. Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
17. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
18. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
19. Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
20. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
21. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
22. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
23. Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
24. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
25. Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
26. Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
27. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
28. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
29. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
30. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
31. Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
32. CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
33. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
34. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
35. What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
36. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
37. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
38. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
39. Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
40. A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
41. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
42. Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.
43. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
44. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
45. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
46. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
47. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
48. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
49. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
50. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
51. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
52. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
53. Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
54. Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
55. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
56. Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
57. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
58. Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
59. Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
60. The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
61. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
62. According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
63. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
64. Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
65. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
66. There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
67. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
68. Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
69. Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
70. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
71. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
72. There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
73. When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
74. Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
75. A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
76. When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
77. Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
78. Chuck Norris' house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
79. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
80. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
81. Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
82. In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
83. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
84. If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
85. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
86. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
87. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
88. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
89. Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
90. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
91. While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
92. Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
93. When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
94. When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
95. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
96. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
97. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
98. For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
99. Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
100. When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

[StrongInTheArm]

56. Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

LOL!

[Kryvast]

Originally Posted by aira

great 'superhero' joke..
do you know any superman or spiderman joke?

SUPERMAN



Superman was terribly bored with fighting crime, so one Friday night he decided to go out on the town to have some fun for a change.

He dropped by Batman's house. "Hey Batman," he said. "Wanna' go out tonight?"

"No, I can't," replied Batman. "The Batmobile is broken and I gotta' stay home and fix it, or else I won't be able to fight crime."

"You loser," said Superman, and he flew away in disgust.

He then decided to stop by Spiderman's house. "Hey, Spidey, how about hitting the town tonight, you and me," he said.

"I'd love to, but I can't," replied Spiderman. "My web-slinger is jammed and I gotta fix it in order to fight crime."

Superman, all disgusted, quipped: "You loser. Go ahead--stay home on a Friday night and fix your damned web-slinger."

He again flew away.

While flying around the city looking for something to do, his super vision spotted Wonder Woman lying on her back, stark naked and spread-eagle!

Superman thought, "Hey, I'm Superman, so I can fly down there at the speed of light, have a quickie and she'll never know the difference!"

Wonder Woman said, "What the hell was that?"

The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but it hurt like hell!"

[jabo]

[StarLab]

He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi.

You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent!

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday tripsand you will have to satisfy her every need.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, said, 'You got to be lying!!!'

The social worker said, 'Yeah, well... you started it.'

[StarLab]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,

such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.

================================================== =============================

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!

Tech Support

[SEO_Matey]

Nice one man, same to you jabo, good jokes guys.

[arpitagarwal82]

Lol Starlab.
Husband 1.0 is just awesome joke.

[jabo]

Some things to ponder....

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

7. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

21. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "S" in it?

30. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

31. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an asian man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

[jabo]

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4 am by the telephone.

'Hillen, it’s the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency!

I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated the the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week!!!'

PM: 'Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!'

Hilth Munister: 'We're going to hef to shup some in from... Brutain?...'

PM: 'No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!'

Hilth Munister: 'What about Australia?'

PM: 'I'll call Kivun Rudd - tell hum we need one million condoms; ten unches long and eight unches thuck! That way they'll continue to respect the All Blacks!!'

Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes where she finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuc, all coloured green and gold.

Each marked...

'MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: SMALL'
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