jokes

[KristysKnots]

I hate weddings because old people always poke you and say "Your next".
So I started doing the same sh*t to them at funerals.

[jabo]

A Kiwi farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

The following morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again," he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

The morning after he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

'No,' she says, 'they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.'

[progenic]

Originally Posted by StarLab

PERSONAL AD TRANSLATOR

This ads ain't true at all

[lordkira]

Originally Posted by css25

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman's husband unexpectedly comes home.

She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy is in there already.
The little Boy says: "Dark in here."
The Man says: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!"
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£250-00."

A few weeks later it happened again and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard together again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have soccer boots."
The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: "How much?"
The Boy says:"£750-00."
The Man says: "Fine, I will buy them."
few days later, the Father says to the boy:
"Grab your ball and boots, let's go outside and have a game."
The Boy says: "I can't, I sold them for £1000."
The Father says:
"That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...
£1000 is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your sins."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession
booth and he closes the door.

The Boy says: "Dark in here."
The Priest says: "Don't start that sh!t again!"

Happy reading

hahaha.. this one made me laugh made my day..

[lordkira]

nice one Kryvast.. hehehehehe..

[Chris@Crane]

my favourite, the simple ones are best:


Two fish are in their tank, one turns to the other and says
"you man the guns, I'll drive"

did you lol? I lolled.

[StrongInTheArm]

It sums it all up for me:



From xkcd: A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language. A funny man

[jabo]

^^

[StarLab]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were
walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him
out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and
bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the
person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

[locking]

Originally Posted by selfhelpebooks

Good jokes!
Here is one of my favorites, albeit nerdy (corny):
-Why was the math book sad?
-Because it had too many problems.

lol i hate math

[jabo]

Some of Lifes unanswered Questions.....

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?



Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on.......

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

[TeewhY]

keep on posting guys i love this thread
all of you are funny hehe

[Chris@Crane]

Originally Posted by jabo

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

we have a light in our freezer, I think most do...


the switch freezes shut though... slight design flaw

[jabo]

Originally Posted by Chris@Crane

we have a light in our freezer, I think most do...


the switch freezes shut though... slight design flaw

my ice box is old fashioned I guess..lol

[Chris@Crane]

also:

"Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?"

does the wind have bad breath?


hehehe I like these questions, thanks jabo

[G10]

Originally Posted by jabo

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first.'

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back............................................
.
.



.



'Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie'

Ok, I liked this one..

[UTOPIA]

Originally Posted by KristysKnots

I hate weddings because old people always poke you and say "Your next".
So I started doing the same sh*t to them at funerals.

lol very funny

[jamilla_0001]

lol...Hahahahah..nice one jabo..
I want more..more jokes..keep on posting guys..

[jabo]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to
the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really
all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt
to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. 'Well,' he says, 'I
went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to
read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water,
sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb.
The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and
confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and
both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone
oratory he claimed, ' WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I
went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from
God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took
HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.

So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.And just like you
said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day
praising Jesus.'

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He
was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and
out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not
have been the best way to start.'