Please comment on marketing text

[Michael Schlottfeld]

I made some revisions to the text on the home page of whalesale.com and would like to know what you think. Does this text make you feel secure and ready to purchase?
Should I move any part of it around? or Change any of it?

Thank you for your input.
It is much appreciated.

[jg_v7n]

Seems pretty good to me. A few points though - not sure to how many people "128 bit SSL" actually means anything. Also if it's so good, why do you need the insurance?

This sentence: "This means that you are insured for up to $10,000 when relying on the information provided by Id Authority on this site" doesn't make any sense to me? Why would I "rely" on the information and whats an Id Authority?

[Michael Schlottfeld]

ok so how should I revise those two parts?

Should I change the SSL part to just read insurance?

Should I just drop the insurance part?

Should I drop both parts?

Does anyone have any other suggestions?

[MarketJunction]

Please note that I am commenting from a writing/marketing standpoint.

Aquarium Supply Whalesale will ship most aquarium supply orders within 24 hours.
Aquarium supply orders received Sunday through Thursday are shipped within 24 hours.
Aquarium supply orders received on Friday after 1:00 PM eastern time and Saturday will be shipped on Monday.
(policy excludes special order aquarium supplies and holidays.)

This is too redundant and bulky. You tell the user that most orders are shipped within 24 hours then mention the orders that are shipped in that time frame AND the ones that are not. Here is a better version:

Aquarium Supply Whalesale will ship your aquarium supply order within 24 hours with the exception of orders received on Friday after 1:00 PM eastern time or Saturday—those orders ship on Monday.

Now you are clear and your message flows into the mind without work.

We stand behind every aquarium supply that we sell 100%.
We have a generous 15 day return policy which starts after you receive your aquarium supply order.

I guess it is nice that you don't stand behind your product 84%.

Fixing up some grammar and adding strength:

Every aquarium supply order is backed by a 15 day satisfaction guaranteed policy.

You really want to stay away from words like "return policy" if you are actually trying to "sell".

All data transferred which holds sensitive account or credit card information is transferred over a secure connection using 128 bit encryption.

Unless your audience is technical in nature, this is not proper writing. Given your likely audience, something like this would be better.

Your personal data is secure. Our web site employs the latest security technology.

Nice, simple, and conveys the message. Your users now don't need to get a degree to understand what you mean.

I won't go any farther—you should have the idea now.

Play around and see what you come up with. If you are serious about your business—and are stuck—hiring a writer is a good move.

Good Luck

[Michael Schlottfeld]

Wow thank you so much for the great words of wisdom.
Your modified statements look much better and are more clear then what I had in the past.

I made some other small revisions.

[MarketJunction]

Your welcome. I try to perform some community service now and then.

It is good for the soul.

I hope you do well with your business.

[imaginemn]

My assessment is that this page basically has ZERO marketing. At first glance I thought I was looking at your "Terms and Conditions" page not your home page.

You should really open with a question. Why? Because questions hook you-they involve you, and they have an emotional overtone. It's nice to Welcome them to your site but people don't typically care about that. By posing a question as "Would you like to save 30 percent on your next order?"-you can prompt the reader to respond affirmatively.

Emphasize the "what." Some words have lost their impact because they must be followed with an explanation. Successful copy is about the "what" not the "why," I personally hate to use the words "quality," "value" and "service" because they are typically hooked to an explanation of why. "Any advertising claim that spurs the question 'In what way?' is automatically defective."

You also need to avoid passive, patronizing words. Active, direct language builds rapport and never condescends or patronizes. Replace "utilize" with "use," "endeavor" with "try," and "requested" with "asked for." One word that seems to have power today is "even," because it adds uniqueness to your offer. Consider how much weaker "We'll refund the cost of shipping" is compared to "We'll even refund the cost of shipping."

This is what I would do if this were my site or you were my client asking for marketing assistance.

Remove the "Welcome" message.
Start the page content with:

Looking for something special?
Aquarium Supply speciallizes in aquarium supplies and offer a large selection of aquarium supplies to meet all of your aquarium supply needs. In addition to offering a large selection of supplies we also offer easy payment solutions and all our orders are backed by a 15 day satisfaction guarantee. (The easy payment solutions should link to a page explaining that and the 15 day satisfaction guarantee should also have it's own page. Most people care about this but assume you will take care of it. Let them know about it but most people don't care about the details and you will tell them and give them the "option" to read on if they choose to do so.)

DISPLAY THE PRODUCTS

Add some links to your home page, printable catalog, privacy policy and/or terms and conditions. Choose easy access links you feel appropriate for the customer. After that add the sponsor links and get rid of the popup window message.

The rest of the details should be displayed in the terms and conditions or as part of the ordering process.

Here is a sample of what I am talking about.



This is now a more "marketing" friendly page with a call to action not just a detailed/disclaimer cover my ____ type of page. Remember your site should be designed to sell your product not to tell them how you are selling the product.

imaginemn

[MarketJunction]

Looking for something special?
Aquarium Supply speciallizes in aquarium supplies and offer a large selection of aquarium supplies to meet all of your aquarium supply needs. In addition to offering a large selection of supplies we also offer easy payment solutions and all our orders are backed by a 15 day satisfaction guarantee.

I decided to rewrite the above to both correct grammar usage and to give an alternative solution. The headline is too vague. I will be real disappointed when I can't find the little black dress I wanted. Some minor tweaks can make a big difference.



Looking for that special aquarium item?

Our selection of aquarium supplies—including special and hard to find items—is second to none. Easy payment options make ordering a snap—satisfaction guaranteed.

You will notice that the above conveys the message in a clear and concise manner. I removed the 15 day text because it is not relevant to initial messaging. Your order and/or product page(s) will have this data on it.

[greg]

this has been posted alot before, but i'll throw it in anyway.

The site overall does a poor job at pulling the customer into the site and getting them to buy something. You have a huge list of what amounts to worthless details as your main attention object when people look on the page. at an average resolution customers see no products at all.

It is great that you try to beef up your shipping, security and things like that. however if you are trying to get people to want to buy your product that is not always the best way to do it. a good presentation typically does better than good content.

so a few suggestions:
1. Color, you have about 2 of them. Get more, make them compliment
2. Content, basically lose it. You are selling products and people want to see products, it is a good idea to have a feature product or two with maybe a little blurb talking it up, but text is secondary on your opening page, save it for the product pages
3. Layout. you have too many things going everywhere, people like simplicity. don't overwhelm them with links going down both sides. give them categories of what they can choose from and breadcrumb from there on.
4. Take a look at sites like amazon, or www.petsmart.com .. What makes you want to buy a product when you go there? It is all the things listed above.

[Michael Schlottfeld]

Thanks for the continued comments.

They are greatly appriciated and will all be considered as the site is rewritten.

I am sure learning alot.
Thank you