Seeking critique and advice. News Release (draft)

RawDepth · 08-29-2007, 04:48 AM

I have never written in Journalistic style before. Furthermore, I have never written a news release before.

I would love to get a proof read and any advice on improvements that I can get before the send off.

newsdraft.html

I do appreciate the help.
Thanks,
Raw

Richand · 08-29-2007, 03:23 PM

I'm not an expert in this sort of thing, but after reading it, it sounds like a very professional article.
Good work.

Write · 08-29-2007, 04:40 PM

This could be a killer release...but the title and sub title need to be stronger and less confusing. I had to read the sub header twice. You only have a few seconds to keep people's attention.

Do something with:
Sites are Far Too Greedy
One Member Seeks Revenge

That would keep my attention.

Cornbread · 08-29-2007, 04:47 PM

Yea after reading the title and sub title, it's confusing, the subject of the article isn't clear. Simplify, focus and shorten the title and sub title.

RawDepth · 08-29-2007, 05:30 PM

Thank you very much. Now that you mention it, I do agree. I'll work on those lines.

Any advice on where to submit it? Should I just hit a few of those free news release submit sites?

Cornbread · 08-29-2007, 05:46 PM

Netscape and Digg are my two favorites.

RawDepth · 08-30-2007, 02:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cornbread

Yea after reading the title and sub title, it's confusing, the subject of the article isn't clear. Simplify, focus and shorten the title and sub title.

Would this title be more "in focus?"

AUDIO GEAR AUCTION SITE STARTS NEW TREND
Sky High Fees a Thing of the Past?

Or maybe...

AUDIO GEAR AUCTION SITE STARTS NEW TREND
100% Free Listings for Everyone.

I like the first one because it leaves the reader a little curious. Like a teaser.
I am still kicking around some other ideas.
RD

Michael Reily · 08-31-2007, 09:02 PM

you can submit to imnewswatch.com too. There would be many internet marketers looking at your online site. Many ebayers are reading it too.

RawDepth · 08-31-2007, 09:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Michael Reily

you can submit to imnewswatch.com too. There would be many internet marketers looking at your online site. Many ebayers are reading it too.

They will not accept it if you sell a product or service. Market news only.

Thanks anyway.

hk0730 · 09-01-2007, 05:12 AM

learn more

Business Blogger · 09-01-2007, 07:11 AM

Your title needs to be stronger, maybe something about auction sites and ripoffs??? Your lead-in could use some work also. The release is nice and could garner some results.