John Kerry Jokes

[John Scott]

I know! I'm late! But I just found these.

"On Wednesday, he said he wouldn't apologize. On Thursday, he apologized. Today, he said, 'It doesn't matter. It just feels great to be flip-flopping again.'" --Bill Maher

And this:

"To his credit, John Kerry was very, very upset about the joke and he apologized. ... As a matter of fact, all day long, he's been walking around with a long face." --David Letterman

And this:

"Kerry scored many points with voters and pundits by finally putting to rest criticism that he's a flip-flopper. Kerry said, 'I have one position on Iraq: I'm forgainst it." --Amy Pohler, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

And this:

"Vice President Dick Cheney attacked John Kerry. He said that John Kerry 'lacks deeply held convictions.' Today Kerry shot back, he said, 'That's not completely true.'" -Jay Leno

And:

"'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him." -Conan O'Brien

And:

"There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'" -Craig Kilborn

And:

"President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth to that.' " -Craig Kilborn

And:

"Kerry was here in Los Angeles. He was courting the Spanish vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages." -Jay Leno

And:

"John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn't bother John Kerry, he said, 'To me, she looks like a million bucks'" -Jay Leno

(LOOOOOOL)

"John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them." -Jay Leno


"The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." -Jay Leno

[Ferre]

"The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." -Jay Leno

Hehhe, that one made me crack up.