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TeewhY 08-28-2008 11:06 PM

Before the marriage:


He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Yes!

She: Will you hit me?

He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?


Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom to the top !!!!

Chris@Crane 08-29-2008 02:12 AM

haha :P

very clever

TeewhY 08-29-2008 03:30 AM

Applying Golf when in the Bathroom

1. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a quick backswing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anybody.

7. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.

8. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.

9. Be quiet while others are about to go.

10. Keep strokes to a minimum.

rei 08-31-2008 10:59 PM

Gifted Child:

1st word 1st month: mommy
2nd word 2nd month: daddy
3rd words 3rd month: pumping yaya

1st sentence 4th month: mommy, daddy pumping yaya ;p

TeewhY 08-31-2008 11:55 PM

Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. “MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND…”

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…”

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, “then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”:mrgreen::mrgreen:

crimson_river 09-01-2008 04:36 AM

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

TeewhY 09-01-2008 04:55 AM

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.” The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from.”

St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. “Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!”

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. “Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. “OK, picture this; I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator….”:D

Chris@Crane 09-01-2008 05:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TeewhY (Post 928202)
It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, “Tell me about the day you died.” The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from.”

St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. “Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!”

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. “Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. “OK, picture this; I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator….”:D

ahahhahaa I love it!

TeewhY 09-02-2008 12:19 AM

This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.
My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”
We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”
After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.


And I just sat there…


On the couch…


Naked.:lol:

StarLab 09-02-2008 08:02 AM

Classroom logic
 
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct.. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
____________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
____________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
____________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
____________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
____________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
____________________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
____________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

zeb19 09-02-2008 08:10 AM

hehehe, thats funny you making me laugh.. cool:mrgreen:

TeewhY 09-02-2008 10:56 PM

WHY MARRIED COUPLES DON'T HAVE SEX

Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

* 54 times the sheets were just cleaned
* 17 times it was too late
* 49 times you were too tired
* 20 times it was too hot
* 15 times you pretended to be sleep
* 22 times you had a headache
* 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
* 16 times you said you were too sore
* 12 times it was the wrong time of the month
* 19 times you had to get up early
* 9 times you said weren’t in the mood
* 7 times you were sunburned
* 6 times you were watching the late show
* 5 times you didn’t want to mess up your new hairdo
* 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
* 9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

* 6 times you just laid there
* 8 times you reminded me there’s a crack in the ceiling
* 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
* 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
* 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

==================================================
KEEP READING…
==================================================

Dear Husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:

* 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
* 36 times you did not come home at all
* 21 times you didn’t come with energy
* 33 times you came too soon
* 19 times you went soft before you got in
* 38 times you worked too late
* 10 times you got cramps in your toes
* 29 times you had to get up early to play golf
* 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
* 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
* 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
* 2 times you had a splinter in your finger
* 20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
* 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
* 98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

* The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
* I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, “Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?”
* The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Prize4u 09-02-2008 11:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by astrovineet (Post 736077)
A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone.

After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her,

"Er... Excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"

She responds in a loud voice :

" NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them.

The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.

After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes,

and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and

I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

The young man responds loudly with,

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN FIVE THOUSAND RUPEES. THATS TOO MUCH !"

hehehehehehehe :) :lol:

that's excellent

zeruel 09-03-2008 07:22 AM

Nice one Larry! hahaha! :D

TeewhY 09-03-2008 11:25 PM

Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.”

The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon… You got nice house.”:lol:

Chris@Crane 09-04-2008 02:26 AM

I've seen this before but it still makes me laugh. You can substitute other racial stereotypes in if you wish, last time I heard it it was an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Brit.


Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch.
The Chinese man says, "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself."
The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill myself."
The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself."
The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral the Chinese man's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day."
The Italian guy's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day."
"Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He done packed his own vittles."

Kryvast 09-04-2008 03:46 AM

The Usual Questions

A property manager of a single family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions:

"Professionally employed?"

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?" "Yes, nine and twelve," she said proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

jabo 09-04-2008 11:52 PM

guess the word hidden in the picture
http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b3...owtraffic1.jpg

jabo 09-05-2008 04:21 AM

A bloke goes to a doctor and explains that he cannot for the life of him pronounce the letters of the alphabet. The doctor tells him to remove his clothes and bend over and touch his toes, which he does.

The doctor then takes a long wooden pole with a hook on one end and a crank handle on the other then proceeds to insert it into the patient’s rectum.

The patient is surprised to say the least and yells, “Hey!”

The doctor then commences to rotate the pole rapidly.

The patient, still bent over, yells, “Hey! Ey! Ey! Ey! Ey! Ey!” and this continues for 5 minutes until the doctor stops and says, “Well, that’s a very good start. Come back tomorrow and we’ll work on B.”

Rankenstein 09-05-2008 06:44 AM

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman are walking through the jungle when they are caught by natives and told they will be killed immediately. They are given one last request.
The Welshman asks if he can sing 'Men of Harlech' to make himself proud and give him courage.
The Scotsman asks if he can do the traditional Scottish sword dance while singing 'Danny Boy' to show his country's rich culture.
The Irishman asks if he can read a chapter of Ulysses to show his country's literary superiority.
The Englishman says "Kill me first!"


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