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  #1  
Old 05-06-2005, 01:57 PM
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cbolts cbolts is offline
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Jokes and funny stuff

Post jokes and funny stuff in here I'll start it off with a few Jack Handy quotes:

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

a ton more at http://www.cco.net/~jpete/deepthou.htm
 
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  #2  
Old 05-06-2005, 02:42 PM
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gorillaboy gorillaboy is offline
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Nurse walks in...

"Doctor, what are you doing?"

Doc: I'm writing a prescription.

Nurse: But you're holding a thermometer!

Doc: Jesus Christ, some ass-hole's got my pen!
 
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  #3  
Old 05-06-2005, 03:40 PM
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Pimpen 2010 Pimpen 2010 is offline
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www.TwistedMango.com

Site's not done yet but I can let you guys take a peek. I got some images and 5 videos and 1 joke
 
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Old 05-06-2005, 05:13 PM
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Sketch Sketch is offline
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The pope did a tour of Australia. At the end, he
was tired of being chauffeured around and he begged the
limo driver to let him drive. Unable to say no to his
Holiness, the driver agrees and gets in the back. But
thanks to John-Paul's shaking hands, they get pulled
over by a cop before they make two blocks. When the
young cop sees who's driving, he radios the sergeant.
"S-Sir" he stammers, "I stopped someone really important
and I don't know what to do."
"Is it the lord mayor?" asks the sarge.
"No sir, more important."
"The Premier?"
"No, sire, ore important."
"Don't tell me you've pulled over the Prime Minister!"
shouts the sarge.
"No sir, more important than the PM" the offer says
"Who the hell is it!"
"I don't know" admits the offer, "But the Pope is his
driver"
 
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  #5  
Old 07-28-2005, 01:31 PM
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A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant
 
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  #6  
Old 07-28-2005, 03:09 PM
gchick gchick is offline
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ahahahhaa!!!i'll post my jokes later..
 
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  #7  
Old 07-28-2005, 10:29 PM
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Atom Atom is offline
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  #8  
Old 07-29-2005, 12:50 AM
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Sketch Sketch is offline
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LOL @ Atom, love the spider one.
 
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  #9  
Old 07-29-2005, 04:01 AM
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games_master games_master is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pimpen 2010
www.TwistedMango.com

Site's not done yet but I can let you guys take a peek. I got some images and 5 videos and 1 joke
Nice Site.
 
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  #10  
Old 07-29-2005, 04:04 AM
Jazzee Jazzee is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Atom
 
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  #11  
Old 07-29-2005, 06:11 AM
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Stitchy626 Stitchy626 is offline
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http://www.jokaroo.com/ecards/funny/...gsforcash.html


FOAMY! I love this little F*cker
 
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  #12  
Old 07-29-2005, 10:16 AM
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Pimpen 2010 Pimpen 2010 is offline
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Thanks GamesMaster

If anyone wants to help in adding stuff to TwistedMango, we're looking for staff. Unpaid atm.
 
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  #13  
Old 07-29-2005, 11:32 AM
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games_master games_master is offline
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I dont mind helping you out Pimpen. Give me a PM.
 
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  #14  
Old 07-29-2005, 11:55 AM
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Ferre Ferre is offline
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Funny (and some bizarre) videos; http://www.wimp.com/
 
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  #15  
Old 08-01-2005, 06:24 AM
chrisranjana chrisranjana is offline
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Ha ha , Some jokes are really side splitting indeed
 
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  #16  
Old 08-01-2005, 08:57 PM
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those are so funny pics. thanks for the laughs guys.
 
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