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  #41  
Old 06-16-2008, 12:09 PM
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why was cinderella so bad at sports??

because her coach was a pumpkin!

corny jokes rule
 

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  #42  
Old 06-18-2008, 07:20 AM
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You know you're a RedNeck Jedi if...

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

If you ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts
 
  #43  
Old 06-22-2008, 02:38 PM
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Polar Bear Joke

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"

The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."

A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"

The father polar bear replies, "Son, I'm 100% polar bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, so you are definitely 100% polar bear."

A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear AGAIN turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I gotta know -- am I 100% polar bear?"

The father polar bear was distressed by this continued questioning and asked his son,
"Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"

"Because I'm freezing!"
 
  #44  
Old 06-23-2008, 12:30 PM
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keep on posting your jokes guys..
good to start your day with a good joke..right?
 
  #45  
Old 06-24-2008, 11:30 PM
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Smile

Good one...Thanks for your entertaining
 
  #46  
Old 06-24-2008, 11:34 PM
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jabo jabo is offline
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Great posts mates. I wonder if those will work with ladies... I mean, make them laugh with them..
 
  #47  
Old 06-25-2008, 10:08 AM
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How many Forum Posters does it take...

How many Forum Posters does it take to change a lightbulb?

178!

One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

Three to correct spelling/grammar errors.

Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb".

Another six to condemn those six as stupid.

Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.

Nineteen to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.

Eleven to defend the posting to the forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

Thirty six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.

Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this forum which makes light bulbs relevant to this forum.

Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

Five to post to the forum that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs."

Three to tell a funny story about their cat and a light bulb.

AND One forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now with something unrelated and start it all over again!
 
  #48  
Old 06-25-2008, 12:01 PM
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good job for those who posted their jokes in here, really funny.
 
  #49  
Old 06-28-2008, 03:13 PM
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And oldie but a goody.

A man goes skydiving for the first time.

After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready
to go. Excited, he jumps out of the plane. After a bit, he pulls the
rip-cord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts
to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord.
Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no
avail.

Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is
in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy
passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits --
yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas
barbecues?"
 
  #50  
Old 06-28-2008, 08:12 PM
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Harold, The Computer Guy

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy to come over.

Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down . I D 1 0 T

I used to like Harold...

Last edited by StarLab; 06-28-2008 at 08:23 PM.
 
  #51  
Old 06-30-2008, 05:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jabo View Post
Great posts mates. I wonder if those will work with ladies... I mean, make them laugh with them..
Probably, but it would depend on how you deliver the jokes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by StarLab View Post
AND One forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now with something unrelated and start it all over again!
 
  #52  
Old 06-30-2008, 04:15 PM
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Police Stories

Ok, not really jokes, but amusing anyway...

  • Madison, WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem- a 12- year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD'. The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

  • A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in La Crosse , WI . A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

  • A Young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Wisconsin State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball. 'He replied, ' Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls!' There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
 
  #53  
Old 06-30-2008, 09:50 PM
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here is another joke.

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
 
  #54  
Old 07-01-2008, 04:52 AM
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jabo jabo is offline
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going to the doctor

I went to the doctor's office to get a test if I am impotent.
The doctor gave me a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow."
The next day I went back to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the I explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" Shock about his reaction I replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried,we still couldn't get the jar open."
 
  #55  
Old 07-01-2008, 05:04 AM
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mabel01 mabel01 is offline
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^LOL! I thought they were. . .

Last edited by mabel01; 07-01-2008 at 05:34 AM.
 
  #56  
Old 07-02-2008, 09:09 AM
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hahahahah!!!!!

i don't know what to say!!it's really funny!!
 
  #57  
Old 07-02-2008, 10:32 PM
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Here comes little Johnny

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
 
  #58  
Old 07-02-2008, 10:36 PM
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ittle April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.
 
  #59  
Old 07-02-2008, 11:00 PM
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lol... what? how many children did Adam and Eve made anyways??? Johny, what a gambler
 
  #60  
Old 07-02-2008, 11:49 PM
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How much does a brain surgery cost?

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.


'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant, It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves..'


The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'


The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.'


The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.


A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?'


The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'
 
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