I need help with sales copy

ezniche · 03-30-2006, 10:17 AM

Hi,
I am hoping someone here has a good eye for problems in sales copy. It is a new niche product we are launching aimed at newbies. It was just launched a few days ago, and it is not converting any traffic to sales yet. I have stared at the sales text so long I can't see it objectivly any more.

The link to the sales page is in my sig - don't buy it because it was only designed as a "first step" for people that want to build niche sites but have no clue what a rss feed is. If you want to check it out, I'll give you a free copy, just PM me.

ezniche

JamieJelly · 03-30-2006, 10:45 AM

I had a quick glimpse, will have a proper read when I get a chance. I don't like the opening line "I am so excited to be writing this to you right now!". It sounds scammy, like a get rich quick scheme.

You can make it sound exciting without being so explicit. As much as I hate the phrase, try and include some "high octane" words - these are words you don't hear all the time and have a powerful meaning. The thesaurus is always a good start, try beginning with a word like powerful and see where it can lead.

Case studies sell. Fact. It is easy to make them up, so make sure they appear with a city and a domain name to show they are real.

More will follow...

ezniche · 03-30-2006, 11:07 AM

Thanks!
I've read it and rewrote it so many times I hate every word more each time I read it. I'm setting up split testing on it now and going to bite the bullet and write a new one from scratch.

Let me explain my goal and maybe it will help spark some ideas.

There a re quite a few so called "niche web site builders" on the market, but almost everyone of them caters to the clients that have a decent understanding of rss feeds, ad placement, and other things that are above the heads of the average person trying to get started in building niche web sites.

We developed this as a starting point for newbie’s, and from there will lead them into our better product - but only once we feel they are ready for it. We want to keep the support low on our high end product by getting them started with this very basic script. It doesn't need a database or anything fancy, but it allows them to start with the basics like FTP and chmod on one folder.

From there we can teach them the basics of working with feeds, adsense, etc. When they are hungry for more we will let them get a peek at our advanced version, with all the bells and whistles they could want and more. From that point the sale should be a slam dunk on our advanced version.

once again, thanks!

ezniche